"Nose Matters" pilot episode

Chicago knows that it’s a city that stinks. I’m not exactly offended by its odor malfeasance, but it’s not a city that inspires olfactory confidence. There are some great smells to be sniffed in Chicago, but for every suburban Mars chocolate factory, there’s a Dave Matthew’s Band bus dumping untreated human waste on tour boats.

It’s particularly true in some of the regions near just about any branch of the Chicago River. Sure, sometimes it just has a healthy marine fishy smell, but then there’s the areas that smell like boat petrol near the tour boat landing docks. And then there’s the mystery factory smells further upstream: the leather tanning facility; the recycling center; that weird place on the North Branch where the water emits steam during winter. Yeck. Each have their own distinctively off odors.

But the downtown chocolate factory—ooh the cocoa joy it shares with my nose. And the tea and coffee roasting plant? Also divine. My favorite day is regular coffee roast day. Honestly, the flavored coffees smell too sweet when they’re at the stage of creation. The air starts to have a distinct burnt “Irish Crème” odor to it. The teas smell fresh and rejuvenating like a hippie ceremony that uses sage leaves to purify the air.

I think I should have a television show called “Nose Matters.” Public access, of course. People could call in and tell me what they smelled, where and what time of day. It could be brilliant. We could compare the morning’s slightly soapy smell outside the leather tanning plant to the evening’s more gore and chemical odor. We could talk about which parks have the best fragrant flower displays. Or what about that place on Grand Avenue where the big shopping mall must have an air vent that ejects errant smells from their perfume counter because it’s always perfectly scented at the corner of Grand and Wabash? “Nose Matters” could sniff out some seriously interesting smells.

I know I’m on to something here. There’s a local television station that has a “Best of Chicago” viewer write-in award series. They do themes like “Best tapas bar” or “Best adult novelty shop.” One of their awards—“Best smell in Chicago.” Brilliant. The downtown chocolate factory usually does very well in that contest. Now imagine if we got to vote on the best and worst smells every week? It would be a smellocracy.

There must be a way to harness the acumen of my sense of smell for good instead of letting my talent languish from fear of allergens. I believe the “Nose Matters” smellocracy is the spirit of my nasal future. Odor onward, scented soldiers.