Hungry eyes

I took the concept of New Year’s self reflection literally: I stared in the mirror. In particular, I was wondering, “What is wrong with my eyelids?”

Wildly generalizing, Asian women are obsessed with eyelids. It has to do with epicanthic folds. The premise is that it’s the epicanthic fold of the eyelid that makes Asian eyes appear smaller than their Euro-Anglo pals. I don’t know what white people’s eyelids are called or if we have an epicanthic fold, but I know that our eye anatomy has evolved to make our eyes look bigger because of an inherited muscular anomaly. Ponder the record of Asian interest in epicanthic folds. There’s the stereotype that we’re called “round eye.” Look at all that anime and manga—they’ve got mad huge eyes, right? Now Google “eyelid glue” and tell me I’m wrong.

Back to me and the mirror in the bathroom (please don’t blink). It’s the end of the year, I’m at my mother-in-law’s house, and I’m staring in the mirror. “I want to go make up shopping tomorrow because we’re in a city with real malls. I don’t wear make up. Maybe some eye shadow? I don’t wear eye shadow. Besides, my eyes look weird. I’ve never thought my eyes were shaped right for eye make up. I’ve never looked like magazine pictures, even when I’ve bought the exact Clinique cosmetics on the page.”

And then, after all this self-talk, it dawns on me. My eyelids are too big. Are mine like almost Asian? Like maybe I almost have the epicanthic fold? Now I’m staring in the mirror going, “No wonder I don’t wear eye make up. My eyelids are weird.”

Seriously, they’re totally weird. Especially when you’ve stared at them for way too long in the mirror.

I saw Kathy Griffin do a stand-up skit on TV where she described going to the plastic surgeon: “I said, ‘Can you move my eyebrows up here while you’re at it?’ and he said, ‘OK.’” Her eyes became the most awesome canvas for make up in the world.

So I’m still staring in the mirror thinking about the Estee Lauder conspiracy against my face, epicanthic folds, and Kathy Griffin, when it dawns on me … what I really need is lip gloss.