Astral advice

My best friend’s horoscope is always wrong—dreadfully, dastardly wrong. It says things like “Venus gives you a swinging lifestyle, you player you. Go ahead, date around,” but really he’s in a fight with his steady girlfriend. It’s always way off to what’s really going on in his life.

Of course, we don’t believe in horoscopes, we just like to read them together for the entertainment value. Mine are always eerily on target. Here’s an actual example I have taped to my cubicle: “It’s important to live in the moment. An intense solar eclipse is scattering your mind in a hundred different directions. Stop asking yourself if this is 'the one' (as if we only get 'one' anyway). Just enjoy being with this soulmate today.”

Being a horoscope, this entry does require some interpretation. Matthew is “my one” and I enjoy being with my soulmate every day, so that half is bunk. If I focus on understanding the relationship advice in terms of the mental state description, I can read it this way: “Your mind is scattered in a hundred different directions. It’s OK to have lots of ideas, let it flow; this doesn’t have to be “the one” idea.” Pretty good advice, huh?

But my pal, oh, his are bad. “Domestic tranquility is yours for the taking,” and stuff like that. On that occasion he was moving into his new house and having problems getting the floor repaired. Not really tranquil when they bring in giant sledgehammers! It doesn’t matter what’s going on his life, his horoscope is always polar opposite, which has become a favorite joke for us.

He’s out of town right now, and he has the most perfect, spot-on horoscope I’ve ever seen for a human being. I teared up a little when I read his horoscope because it made me sad that the one time it’s on target he’s not with me to share the awe of this moment.

“Libra: Stop asking your friends, ‘What should I do?’ When did you decide that everybody else knows better than you? Neptune is reminding you that you are perfectly capable of brilliant … insights. You don’t need your therapist, your friend, or your mom to provide advice.”

Requiring no interpretation, this horoscope lays it on the line. When did you decide that everyone else knows better than you? It’s kinda harsh, but hey, stop it already. You don’t need anyone to provide advice.

He never reads my blog, and I’ll probably forget to tell him about the most perfect horoscope ever, but I’ll remember to tell him the next time he asks what I think, “You don’t need my input. You know what to do. You are perfectly capable of brilliant insights.” Remember that, Zodiac watchers, you are perfectly capable of brilliant insights.