Dreaded questions

I probed, I prodded, I may have prevaricated (a little). I demanded, I plead, I hypothesized, I proposed. I cornered, I pinpointed, and I cajoled.

And the answer was “Yes.”

I have asked everyone whose opinion matters to me, “Do I keep the dreads, or do I give up now and start growing out my hair?”

Worst answer: “Either you do or you don’t.”

Best answer: “Make the decision based on your career goals and how you think your hair will affect how you get there.”

Right answer: “I think they look cute.”

My dreadlocks have been a self-esteem struggle for me: “Do I look cute or do I look ridiculous?” They’ve been a career struggle for me: “Do I look eccentric or just badly unprofessional?” A motivational struggle for me: “Do I wax them tonight or do I procrastinate again for the thirtieth day in a row?”

Now, I feel the decision has come to a head, as it were. My dreads have looked basically the same for the past month, neither particularly improving in their healthy roundness nor disintegrating into wiry frizz. I feel like this is the crucial moment where I make the decision, to cut or to commit?

I asked everyone’s opinions, but, ultimately, their answers revealed what was in my heart all along but I wasn’t listening to. Some said “cut them off” in a kind way, but I still wasn’t committed to that answer, no matter how committed to that person I am. I finally got a row of three people--a good friend, an acquaintance who hates dreadlocks, and a barber—to all say, “They look unconventional but they look good.” They all said that. All three in a row. And there was my answer. There was the mirror to my heart: “They aren’t quite right but I like em.”

To all the respected “no’s” I received, thank you for your input. I really needed it as a balance, and it made me decide what I was feeling on the inside. And to all the people who said “yes,” thank you for revealing what I really felt.

The dreads stay. Who knows how long they’ll stay, based on what does happen with my career, but for now, they stay. It’s still a fun ride, though some days they drive me nuts.

When I’m ready to hear “no,” I think the “yes’s” will tell me what I’m really going through inside.