The warrior and his wife

Matthew and I embarked on some home green campaigns starting a few years ago. High efficiency washer and drier, unplug cell phone chargers when not charging, unplug laptop when not laptoping—stuff like that. But Matthew has a new one I just can’t get my head around.

Our desktop computer and all its peripherals are plugged into three different power strips. One of the power strips runs my wireless router, so it’s supposed to stay on all the time. But to keep the CPU, external hard drive, printer, and etc. from continuing to draw power when not in use, Matthew has devised a plan to turn off two of the power strips.

I’m easily confused. Two power strips are gray. One is beige. Two power strips, but not both gray, are under the desk. One power strip is on the desk. So which two is it that I’m supposed to turn on to make it go and to turn it all off? I call Matthew at his office all the time. “Which are the two I need to turn on?”

He generally points out the obvious, “The two that are turned off.”

I generally point out the obvious, “But I can’t tell which two are turned off.”

Then there’s the explanation that one under the desk and one on top of the desk but not the one for the wireless router and one beige and one gray but not both gray. I stand there on the phone, still perplexed. Seems like it should be pretty easy, hm?

I have finally mastered the art of turning the computer on, but when it comes time to shut down, I’m lost again. I used to try.

Phone call: “Matthew, which two power strips do I turn off?”

“One under the desk and one on top of the desk but not the one for the wireless router and one beige and one gray but not both gray.”

Me: crickets chirping.

Matthew: “I’ll do it when I get home.”

“Thanks sweetie!”

I feel a little guilty that I’m not green enough, but I think I’m dumber than I am guilty. If I were to do all the things those new global warming commercials say—unplug the coffee maker, unplug the toaster—I’d never know what to do when it was time to make coffee and toast and nothing was happening. I’d stand there in the kitchen, staring at the appliances blankly.

Phone call: “Matthew, which one do I plug in to make the coffee?”

Matthew: crickets.