You should break your leg. Really. I highly recommend it. You’ll not have short-term disability so you’ll use all your vacation and sick days for the fun of laying in bed in a sweaty cast that stinks like hell. Maybe you’ll get a fungal infection between your toes. I am so serious, this is fun. You’ll wear garbage bags, you’ll take painkillers that render you senseless but don’t actually kill the pain, you will look forward to your feeding times when your warden can skip out of work. It’s a blast.
Now, let’s not forget months of physical therapy. There you’ll have so much fun you won’t believe it. Your ankle will pop every time your physical therapist touches it. You’ll limp. You’ll do the stationary bike whether you want to or not (three minutes or more!)
Then there’s the surgery. Since none of that other stuff worked—the cast, the bed rest, nine months of physical therapy—someone somewhere will finally say, “I think surgery’s a good option for you.” You’ll heartily agree.
Fortunately, surgery will be less invasive than planned, and it will instantly begin relief. But let’s not forget complications! Don’t get carried away thinking this is finally the light at the end of your tunnel!
Now you’re leaking synovial fluid from your stitches. Yeah, I said it, synovial. It’s the goo that makes your joints move without pain. And your wound is gushing fluid so bad it seems like your body is pressing it out as fast as it can make it. Guess what? That awesome alleviation that came from the surgery is poof gone because now your joint can’t move without friction and squeezing out the goo.
Back to post-op physical therapy:
“I’m leaking synovial fluid.”
“Eesh. Lemme see.” Shoe comes off, sock is stained yellow—through bandages. “Wow. We can’t do any physical therapy if you’re leaking synovial fluid like that. Any pressure we put on the joint is just going to force the fluid out more, and you need the fluid for your ankle to be healthy.”
“What do I do?”
“You just need to rest and keep it elevated. You see your surgeon Thursday? He might want to go in and put stitches in the synovial membrane and then re-close your leg.”
Excellent. Surgery to fix surgery.
Really. Break your leg. It’ll be the time of your life. You won’t lose a year of your life to complications at all.
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3 comments:
Your pulling my leg, did someone tell you before you went on stage not to break a leg? I can't wait to hear the next leg of the story.
You're surprisingly upbeat, despite all your medical ailments, sweetie. (At least to me, over email.) Mother Nature has dealt you more physical crap cards than you should have to cope with. You're a fighter, though. I'm as "there for you" as someone who lives 2,000 miles away can be.
First lemme say "Hi Todd!" At least breaking my leg brought you back into my life.
Second, Monya, you're only 900 miles away. Relax, that's like nothing in airfare (I kid of course. It's like a lot in airfare).
I try to pretend like the leg drama isn't happening. I try to limp through everyday life like it's all going to be OK. But now that I'm leaking synovial fluid, it's obviously not ok. Limping was fine, but juicy bandages are gross. "I'd rather be limping" I think my bumper sticker will say.
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