Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Like a really bad comedy sketch I once saw

My new thing is that I fart while walking a lot. Not like a lot a lot, but enough more than zero--which is the number of walking farts that I used to have—so that it seems like a lot of walk farts. Like chair farts in your own office are OK. Farts in the public bathroom are embarrassing but part of nature. But walking through the hallway launching a series of depth charges in your wake is humiliating.

OMG! Did they hear it? Did it smell? Is it going to stop? Can I make it stop???

I haven’t found a way to hold in the walking fart yet. It seems like the harder I strain at not farting while walking, the faster they squeak out. And they emit louder, too, as if amplified by a perverse opposite of my will to make them silent.

Usually, they’re pretty quiet, and I pretend like maybe it’s my shoes squeaking or something, but today was particularly bad. A student was standing on the threshold of a professor’s office, mainly with his body in the hallway. As soon as I got within five feet of passing him in the hallway, I started passing gas. And they got louder the closer I came to contact with him! “Squeak, squeak, squawk, SQUAWK !” I tried to squeeze and prayed, “No more farts!” as I turned the corner, but I was destined for another “SQUAWK!” and I tried to zoom by.

I don’t know who is aware of hall-fart lady, but I rue the day of having the reputation as the fart walker. If this doesn’t let up, I’m afraid of the sniggers behind my back as I walk by, holding my squawking backside together.

2 comments:

Christine Wy said...

Note to self: When office neighbor says "That was a good one Christine," don't answer, "Oh, did you smell it?" She's talking about your ipod, not your odor malfeasance.

eeny meeny said...

I have a similar concern: laugh-farting. I never used to do it, but now it happens at least 1/3rd of the time. Has my sphincter no manners?