Addictive ingredients

I have a new $5 a day habit that’s going to bankrupt me quickly. And possibly cause my heart to explode, but who knows?

Did I ever mention all the arthritis treatment I was going through that wasn’t working? The irritating but fortunately moderate chronic pain that interfered with my life? It isn’t that the pain is so severe, really, it’s more that it is constant that made me seek exhaustive treatment. Final analysis? Fibromyalgia.

The catch (22?) here is that the medicine that is working well for my fibromyalgia is causing me to be drowsy at work. If I weren’t supervised, I’d probably sleep about half of my workday away, pleasantly drooling on my keyboard and dreaming of Ralph Macchio. Poor guy.

The only thing that keeps me going is Starbucks. Listen to this:

“Quad venti nonfat ice latte no ice, please.” Even though I order it daily, it’s still hard for me to say, considering I haven’t started drinking it yet and really I’m still asleep.

I’m going to parse this for you: “Quad” = 4 shots of espresso, when the drink normally comes with three. “Venti” = Starbucks speak for “large.” “Nonfat” = skim milk. “Ice” = cold (pretty straightforward). “Latte” = espresso and milk drink with no foam. “No ice” = cold milk but no ice (because I don’t want it watered down as I sip on it for four hours). “Please” = thoughtfulness because I’m nice to strangers.

This results in confused looks of desperation from the poorly paid humble barista. “Quad. Venti. Nonfat. Latte.”

“No, Quad venti nonfat ice latte no ice.”

“No ice?”

“No ice.”

The order makes its way to the actual drink slinger, and he looks at me, consternation in his brow, “Quad venti nonfat ice latte no ice?”

“Yes, no ice. Can you top it off with more nonfat?”

Then they call it out at the bar like they’re supposed to:

“Quad venti nonfat ice latte no ice.”

Then people look at me. People waiting for drinks straight off the menu. I don’t care. I’ve become coffee high maintenance, so what? At least I’m awake.