Mental discord

I’ve hit my maximum output for the day. It’s that time of night where my daily allotment of self-esteem has evaporated. I’m left with the brain-gnawing grudges, angsts, and self-flagellations. I had a psychiatrist who called it “negative obsessive self-talk.”

Every night--the precise time shifts from evening to evening--I reach the witching hour of negative obsessive self-talk. I’m starting to think of it as like a wind up clock, and my self-esteem just needs recharging.

I hide from Matthew during these black moments, knowing I’ll only start a fight. It won’t be his fault or anything he’s done, but, he’ll be there, and I’ll want to sharpen my claws on someone other than me for a change.

Instead, I try to remind myself that this is my Brain Dysmorphic Disorder talking and that tomorrow I’ll wake up as Christine as usual. I try to make jokes with myself. Imagine how ridiculous I would sound to say what I was thinking out loud. Maybe that’s one of the tricks one of my therapists tried to teach me that I didn’t quite learn: say it out loud to hear how preposterous it is.

My current therapist tells me to listen to the negative self-talk and say to myself what I would say to a friend. “That’s not true, and you know it.” “It will be OK tomorrow; you just need to sleep on it.” “Maybe you’ve made some bad choices at times in your life, but you’re still here, and you’re still thriving.” “But think what you learned from that mistake.”

Tonight was a bad one. It was another bed rest day. I tried to be as active as my leg would let me, but it stopped me and firmly said “No.” I listened to it, trying to be sympathetic. If you aren’t depressed before you lay on a couch for an entire day, you will be afterward. Or at least I always am. Laying around never solves any of my problems, just makes me wish I weren’t laying around.

Surviving today’s couch-surf, I hear the swirling waves in my head telling me … such horrible lies. “Tomorrow is another day.” I’ll sleep it off, and I’ll start the whole process again, each day, a new self-esteem tide rolling in and swooshing out.