Express pass to hell

I pretend like I don’t dislike Christians and Christianity, but, you know what, I actually don't like Christians and Christianity.

I was raised Catholic, and I’m proud as hell that my Grandmother is the Rock Star of God, but the God I grew up with and that my Grandmother believes in is tolerant, accepting, and forgiving. I was taught in Catholic school that there were many paths to God. And I was cool with that. Sounds kinda Hindu, right? Who knew that behind the black-watch plaid we were progressive.

Generally, though, I dislike Christians. I just can’t help it. They aren’t the “many pathways to God” people; they’re more the “my way is the ONLY way to God” people. And, consarnit, that just makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t like people who make me uncomfortable.

In St. Augustine, quaint, charming, St. Augustine, we have an organization devoted to spreading God’s Word. No, it’s not actually a church, though we do have plenty of those. This is a civic organization called “St. Augustine for Jesus.” What dose the “St. Augustine for Jesus” think-tank do? They try to find ways to proselytize in the workplace. I’m not even kidding.

Now, wait, it gets better. Who is the august leader of “St. Augustine for Jesus”? An elected official. Of course. Maybe they think this is murky water in the separation of church and state issue, but doesn’t an elected official proselytizing in his workplace sound pretty unconstitutional? Hmm? Maybe. And even let’s just say that Joe down the street is a member, do I really want him coming into my work giving me free Bible verses to hang in my cubicle. Hmm? Nope. I do believe that there is a time and a place for religion, a time and a place for work, and a time and a place for government, but I think the Constitution and the age-old adage “never discuss religion at work” are pretty handy rules of thumb.

Guess what else? “Joe down the street” really does live down my street. I don’t know his name, it could be Billy or Bobby or Sue, but, undeniably, the resident has a “St. Augustine for Jesus” wooden sign in their yard.

My second favorite thing in the world is when my dog poops in their yard. I’m not entirely unconscionable however, so I do scoop, but boy do I feel like I’m vicariously pooping on the conceited parts of Christianity.

My first favorite thing in the world is when my dog poops near the “St. Augustine for Jesus” yard. This may not sound like such a thrill, but in its way, it’s the bigger one. See, the tiny part of my brain that is still Catholic fears getting caught pooping on Jesus. But when the dog poops near the yard, I have a perfectly justifiable excuse for what comes next: putting the scooped poop in Jesus’s trash can.

Putting dog poop in the “St. Augustine for Jesus” can makes me feel like I’ve spread my ill-will in Jesus’s dustbin. But, my moral compass says this is OK because Jesus would also be totally against littering. Jesus would also want neighbors to provide trash receptacles to prevent pollution. Ergo, Jesus totally wants poop in his can.

Oddly, the trash cans aren’t left out on the curb as often as they used to be. I think maybe Jesus’s workplace proselytizers might have wized up to my poop-on-Jesus subversion. They just can’t handle that there are many pathways to God, some of which are lined in dog shit.